ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the legal guardian of a relative who was born with a severe disability. Now middle-aged, she still has the mentality of a toddler. For reasons that are not relevant here, I promised her (and myself) when we were children that I would take care of her.

The problem? People, who probably think they're well-meaning, keep telling me how great I am for taking care of her -- how wonderful a person I am, how selfless I must be.

Miss Manners, I am none of these things. I take care of her because she needs someone to take care of her. Period. When people praise me like this, what I hear is, "I'm so glad I'm not in your shoes. I would never give up my life to do something like this."

Recently, she had a major health problem, and she is now much worse off than she was before. The adulations heaped upon me at this point are getting nauseating. Family members, friends and health care workers have all said something at this point.

What do they expect me to respond with? "Yes, I know. Thank you"? That sounds self-congratulatory.

I mean, seriously, why are they heaping praise upon my head for doing something that needs to be done? What would be the alternative, in their eyes? Have they no loved ones? Are they so self-centered that they can't fathom loving others?

What do I tell people who keep saying things like this? (Even worse, they speak this way in front of my relative, who is NOT hard of hearing.)

GENTLE READER: "Why? Wouldn't you do the same for someone you loved?"

And while their mouths are agape, frantically thinking of a response that does not make them look like monsters, Miss Manners suggests you and your family member make a quick getaway -- or at least change the subject.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a dinner party for 20 guests. Since a few of them smoke, I had arranged a separate room to function as a smoking room.

After the party, I discovered that a very small painting and a little sculpture were missing from the smoking room. Neither of them is really valuable, even sentimentally, but it still has left me very distraught.

There is no other way that these items could have disappeared except being taken by someone. Only three guests were ever in that room.

Now, what do I do? I have not mentioned this to anyone, since it undoubtedly would make everyone uncomfortable and lead to speculations about who took the things. I'd rather just forget about the whole thing, but if something similar happens in someone else's home, I will feel guilty for not having said anything.

GENTLE READER: You could tell the three of them that you misplaced the items and wanted to verify if they had seen them when they were there.

This would fool exactly no one, but it would put the perpetrator on notice that you are onto them without any direct accusations. Which is what, it seems to Miss Manners, you wish to accomplish.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN